By accident, without thought, or exquisitely crafted. It matters not, and is just as disappointing whichever form it takes. When directed at me it is meaningless. When overheard in conversation towards my friends and those I care about, another matter.

I’m talking about the over developed sense of self-importance of some, who so easily project this over others without so much as a second thought – or so it seems anyway. Whilst the purpose of this blog is certainly far from ranting about aspects of the human condition I find equally saddening and maddening, occasionally you will come across a post on such a topic (there are many written and unpublished which in all likelihood will stay that way).

Of course I am not about to delve into specifics, suffice to say, people performing roles or in occupations judged as “inferior” by some, are more than likely working just as hard, if not harder than those that judge them – again whether the judgement occurs on purpose or without thought. In my experience, something repeatedly done by accident or without thinking, is generally a purposeful action. Or at the very least, indicative of a certain kind of person.

Success can itself be judged internally, by those inching closer to mastering their craft, even if mastery is always a little out of reach. There is something extremely satisfying in working towards a long-term goal. Taking each step with the seriousness and precision required. The sweat and focus which will provide that extra few percent of improvement. The kind of effort (and in some cases risk) that shames a dusty university degree hanging on a wall somewhere as a shrine of achievement, which perhaps peaked when the frame was hung. Yet, we are somehow meant to revere that item on the wall, as though it should somehow afford the holder some right of superiority.

Sorry, actions speak louder than words, and infinitely louder than words written on heavy paper stock, framed and hung on a wall. Congratulations on your achievement, and I mean that sincerely, however that gives you nothing more than the right to work in certain occupations, belong to certain associations, and perhaps add some letters on your business card. Beyond that, nothing. Your treatment of others, and ill-perceived superiority more quickly relegates you to inferiority than you might imagine, as there are certain things in this world that really matter (respect, integrity, empathy and understanding for starters – none of which you need a university degree to exhibit), whereas the bastions you hold on to are the things that really don’t.

So go ahead, belittle those you see as inferior, however as far as I and many others are concerned, they will always be bigger than you.

One of the first posts written on this site discussed the constant need for validation many of us have in our lives, to the point of constantly seeking and extracting compliments from those around us.

The point being that those accomplishments worthwhile of validation, recognition, and perhaps even reward, are lost in the frenzy of attention seeking nonsense. Part of that post questioned our incessant need for recognition on matters mostly of trivial consumerism, and our perception this acknowledgement in some way increased our value in society:

Do we really need some external validation for every single (mostly consumer driven) decision we make? The answer to that question increasingly seems to be yes. If not for some kind of validation, then it becomes somehow linked to inching up our social standing – I am better or cool because I have this, am doing or reading this, or “like” this.

The sentiment contained in that earlier post is well summarised in the above excerpt.

Upon re-reading the post I should emphasise, I certainly believe there is a very important need for all forms of acknowledgement, recognition and feedback (both positive and negative), none more evident in my day-time role as a manager of people. This is also something all too easy to overlook, particularly (and somewhat ironically) in a talented, hard working team.

However the irony was not lost on the writer as I found my inner voice saying “see I was right”’ and feeling dare I say, ‘validated’ when reading Welcome to Validation Nation by Daniel P. Forrester, a recent Editors Pick on Medium. Though infinitely more elegant in word than myself, Daniel expresses a similar sentiment:

Without a common definition of validation, the concept has been decentralized in a frenzied, subjective set of silos. We have flown past the basics of “see me, hear me, thank me,” to “you must see me, celebrate me, and everything that is great about me.” In getting to this shallow state, we have lost: inhibition, pause, humility, empathy and the critical skill of self-editing.

In my thinking on this subject, the most telling point made above is how we have lost the critical skill of self editing. Time and again it appears we are no longer able to filter our need for recognition from “everything”, or indeed “every little thing”, to areas that do indeed really matter. Furthermore, simple recognition or acknowledgement is no longer enough, we continue on, seeking a king tide of support and full blown celebration. If this is your desire, fine, however please remember the more you ask, the less real value you receive in return.

The article does suggest there is still hope:

There’s also some hope in all of this as the human need for recognition gets redefined. My belief is that the generation after the Millennials, will recoil from all this hyped nonsense. Let us hope for a flight to quality where recognition of real human achievement will be amplified by a few trusted, authoritative and transparent sources; a time when validation for accomplishments becomes tightly re-coupled with excellence.

Perhaps this will be true, however I do not believe this is simply a Millennial generation issue. It is far more widespread and no doubt further fuelled by, but certainly not limited to, today’s social media and the methods we use to seek out this recognition.

There are many more compelling points contained therein, and I would recommend reading Daniel’s insightful article in full.

Related articles

• Attention Trap Part 1: Narcissism, Validation and Self-Worth (psychologytoday.com)

Does a compliment forcefully extracted from the giver ultimately devalue the message?

I believe it does.

Time and time again we are constantly asked whether we “like” this; whether this looks good on me; or, what do you think of my new (insert clothing item, gadget)? Perhaps even the expectation that the item you have needlessly taken from your bag and left on your desk, despite its irrelevance to your workplace, somehow adds to your social standing, intellect or, for want of a better word, “coolness”.

When asked these questions in an office or social situation, what answer would I give other than my default, and that which is also expected by the asker, “of course, looks great / your doing great / yes so cool”.

Compliment extracted, “like” button pushed, ticket validated. Here, have an M&M.

Whilst I am not saying there should be no recognition of achievement or personal development, nor even of effort in failed attempt, however I assure you I will, and do notice. That is, I will notice meaningful achievement (a category in which I do not put your latest purchase). As a result, I am far more likely to give thoughtful, honest, constructive, and heartfelt feedback or encouragement than simply throwing the fourth M&M of the day your way because we are already up to question (compliment extraction) number four – and it’s not even lunch.

The positivity, or even honesty in my response is inversely proportional to the number of times you ask, because eventually I just don’t want to hear about you anymore.

Surely a full, sit down meal would be much more rewarding than extracting, accumulating and consuming one thousand M&Ms. Apart from being far more satisfying, it will give you much greater energy and drive to achieve the aims you have set for yourself, rather than wasting energy chasing the next M&M.

Do we really need some external validation for every single (mostly consumer driven) decision we make? The answer to that question increasingly seems to be yes. If not for some kind of validation, then it becomes somehow linked to inching up our social standing – I am better or cool because I have this, am doing or reading this, or “like” this.

We often read how publicly set goals will assist us to be more accountable. That may be true, however I do not believe the premise behind this is for you to achieve (what you think) is ascendancy over your friends or colleagues by a constant barrage of everything you have bought, are buying, or doing (and since when is buying an actual achievement?). Set significant goals for yourselves on the inside people, and let those who do just that, every single day, go about achieving theirs without having to validate every single step of yours.

Where you aim, set a path to, and achieve the desired result you have set for yourself, is, I believe, where you will find a true sense of self worth, satisfaction, confidence, and most importantly the desire to repeat the process. The real key is that this occurs in the context of, but independent to, what influences or opinions there are around you.

I think that regardless of how many people you ask, you know (or should know), the real answer, and whether this meets the standards you have set for yourself, reflects the person you want to be, or is even the right question to ask in the first place.

That is for you alone to ask, answer, and continue along your way.